A little post about a little brother

The first thing most people know about my relationship with my brother is that I tried to kill him when he was baby. Which is not true. I was three, I didnt know that grabbing a person my their neck to life them up was not exactly the greatest idea in the world. Im so glad nothing bad happened. That little boy has grown into a wonderful guy and my best friend. It is not unusual for you to hear about sisters being best friends but not usually brother/sister.

When we were younger I hated that I was always compared to Robbie, I couldnt make it through the day without hearing about how perfect Robbie was. It was the worst. But as more and more things happen in our family, he's really the only one who gets it. He understands how I feel, how sometimes I just want to drive, with no direction. And he doesn't ask questions. Because he already knows. My least favorite thing is when people say "I know what you're going through." Most of the time I want to scream

"NO YOU DONT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! And Im not going to talk to you so GO AWAY!!" I've never done that of course. But, still. When I cry, he knows. When I yell, he yells back because he knows. We share this unspoken understanding that we need each other. We can have honest conversation without the awkward "we dont talk about that" feeling.

If he thinks I'm going to do something stupid, he tells me.

He's the truest friend I've ever had.

Friends forever, Siblings for always <3

Love&Rockets

Aggie

"We just don't talk about that." - Victorian Era motto

Over and over again I keep hearing people talk about keeping their personal lives, personal. I heard a song:

"Let it out
Everything you've worked so hard to hide
Let it out
Let it out
Leave it at the cross where Jesus died
Take off your mask
Find peace at last
Cause He loves you more than you could ever know
Let it out"

 Recently, in my British Literature class at school we have been studying the Victorian Era, where this whole idea of privacy and "we just don't talk about it." happened to have originated from.
When I thought about it, I realized that is the way I live my life. Happy on the outside, broken on the inside.
Why?
I cant answer that, not because "I can't talk about it" but because honestly, I can't think of a good reason.
So, I'll tell you what I know.
             I know that I have a serious issue with being vulnerable. And anyone who has had contact with me in the last 12 weeks and has uttered the words "How are you doing?" knows that I will not put myself in that position. I will not will not will not ever ever ever answer that question honestly. I have a script, and depending on who you are you get different variations of the same thing "I've been alright, keeping busy." "I'm okay." "I've been fine. Things are hard, but Im okay." "I'm doin what I can, making it through." or the outlandish "I'm good." <--if I've ever said the last one to you, we obviously don't know each other. Or Im trying really hard to impress you. 
I know that I that I want people to think I've got it all together. Maybe that's the perfectionist in me?
I know that I feel like once you share information with people, you force them to feel bad for you, you force them to care, whether or not they wanted to at the beginning of your conversation.
I know that if you don't talk about it, it doesn't exsist. Or so I thought. Oh how I wish that was true. I wish that if you refused to talk about your troubles they just went away.
I know that I don't want people to know what's going on because if they don't know then they don't have the power to hurt me.
But most of all, I know that I can't deal with the harsh reality of this situation. The medications, the treatments, the loss of time, the precious moments. Any of it. I dont know how to handle it. I dont want to handle it.
Included in the Victorian Era was the new idea of childhood. Children never got to experience the world or enjoy life. They went from infants to adults. There was hardly any childhood for anyone. I feel as though this is how my life has been, I haven't really gotten to be a teenager, I went for child to adult in no time. Sometimes I look back at that and wish that I would have gotten that period to figure out who I really am. And other times I am grateful that I had to grow up and have resonsibilities. All of these hard times are teachign me balance. They have helped me get a clear, attainable focus. I didnt have a future laid out for me, and I didn't have the luxury of having parents who allowed irresponsibility to slide. I had to learn quickly that nothing comes without work, something I feel that many people my age have not realized yet.
I believe that I would have fit in perfectly as a person in the Victorian Era because even 150 years later I still implement all their ideas. Whether or not I mean to.

                                     Love&Rockets

                                    Aggie

Strength.

Friday, my dad met with the oncologist. We were told he has stage 4 advanced kidney cancer. And there is no treatment for it. The only thing they can do is treat the symptoms.

Whoa.

What do you do when you were basically told "you're dad's going to die. we can just make it suck a little less by keeping him around for a little bit longer."? What am I supposed to say to people who ask me questions?

But there are two phrases that keep coming up that I just dont know how I feel about. The first one is "God does miracle." Yes, I believe this. I beleive that God has no limits and can do more then my wildest dreams. I believe in miracles. But I also know the striking reality that is my father's situation. And what are you going to say to me, those of you who gave me the false hope of a miracle? What will you say then? Let me come to terms with this situation before the worst things happen. Thats what I want. Things are going to get bad, really bad. And I dont want another reason to mad at God. But if I believe whole heartedly that God is going to do a miracle and heal my dad, and that doesnt happen. If I lose my father, that could cripple my relationship with God forever. Thats not wha I want.

The second, "If you need anything, just let me know." I would like to know, how many people who have said this to me actually mean it? If I called you at 2:30 in the morning and needed someone to talk to would you be there? If I needed you to go to the store for me would you? If robbie needed help on his homework would you help us? I know you all think you would but Im not so sure. If I've never said more than 3 words to you the chances of you helping me out are very slim.

                 *Jumps off Soapbox*

Right now I am struggling. Everyone thinks Im so strong or tells me that I need to be strong for my family and Im trying, I really am. But I...just...can't. Sometimes I need to cry. To be held. To be talked to. Sometimes, I don't want to keep the straight face. I've spent so much time worrying about tother people's feelings or thoughts that I havent really had time to form my own. Being strong sucks. It feels like Im being strong for everyone else but I have no one being strong for me. I know that I should run to God and cling to Him. And people keep telling me to pray, but sometimes that's not enough. I'm tired of putting on a show of perfection and indestructability.

I am human. And I am hurting.

     Love&Rockets

      Aggie

Even the best fall down sometimes.

A week ago friday my dad went to Kalamazoo for an MRI of his brain. Tuesday the results were in, a tumor was found. Wednesday, more tests. Thursday more answers, more tumors, this time on his lungs, liver, and other abdomine regions. Scary. However, they have not told us definitivly if it is cancer. His blood work and labs have been normal so cancer does not seem like a viable explainiation. But it also seems like the only explaination. Even Scarier.
So, I wasnt sleeping very well, lots of crying was going on. I feel like even if I tried, I couldnt cry anymore. Im not physically able to.
After the intial shock, sadness, fear and anger passed I felt.....peaceful? Maybe not exactly all the way at peace with what is happening but peaceful in that I have realized that my hurt, and worry is not going to make the situation change. And it definitly isnt helping me feel any better about it.
Lots of prayers have been said, from me, from my mom, from you, and from other people.
I won't pertend that this is easy and I'm fine with having to go through it again because I'm not. But in one of my many spouts with God this week I remembered what I said at the beginning of this year, that I was going to praise Him, no matter what. That I was going to take comfort in knowing He doesn't do things to harm us. There must be something better, or something to learn. This is definitly increasing and producing much faith in the Hays/Stephenson household.
God is so Good.
Would you remember that? For me?
Sometimes its hard, and sometimes it hurts but He is soooo good. And He loves us so much.
Please be praying that I am led in the direction I should go as far as my future stands. As many of you know, I work at camp in the summer time, but because of the situation right now that does not look like a possibility for me. I planned to leave for Costa Rica ing September and I feel that I need to be with my family before I leave. This is hard for me because I lve my job at Pine Ridge. And if that is not what God would have me to do then I pray His calling is clear to me.

Love&Rockets
Aggie.

Grown up Update.

             Today, I rearranged my schedule so I would be able to drive my dad up to Kalamazoo. Something that has never ever made me happier in my entire life.
A little over a month ago, my father was rushed to Bronson for a bleed in his brain. He stayed there all weekend, and was released that monday, without any answers, causes, nothing. Today is the day that we will be able to find some of those things out.
Life has been rough for us since the 9th of December. My mom has worked alot more, my dad has not worked at all. I started working to help out. For a while, we werent allowed to leave my dad by himself, so I had to be there. I had to put aside my highschool life for a while. He started physical therapy and has been doing fantastic. Which, for a daughter, is absolutly wonderful to hear.

So today is exciting, in a wierd way. And Im glad I get to be there for him whe my mom can't. I've never been more thankful for the responsibilities I've been given and even though they are not fun at times, I love that I am needed. My dad needs me and I am here.

I will post an update of what the doctors say when we get back, not that I will understand any of it. But I'll try my best.

Love&Rockets

Aggie



In a perfect world.

Someone at school told me the other day, "Aggie, I am so jealous of you. you have the perfect smile, perfect attitude, perfect family, perfect grades, perfect voice, perfect future plans. Everything works out for you. Why cant I be like that?"

First, I had to stop myself from saying "Do you even know me??"

I don't know who these people think I am. But I am far from the perfect person she described. I guess I put on a good show huh?

Here's the truth: I struggle. alot. With temptation, with pride, with selfishness. I smile because I'm more afraid of people asking me questions. My attitude is simply me trying to make the best of a bad situation. Things go wrong, but if I let that effect how I look at the world, it will. And it will take away frm any joy I have. Simply, I choose to be grateful for what I have, instead of pouting about what I dont. As for the perfect family part, are you kidding? What does a perfect family even look like because I have noo idea. Our family goes through what most families do, and sometimes even more. My grades are not perfect either, I wish they were but they arent. They arent bad though, and thats because I work. My voice, is untrained to say the least. I have a hard time beliving its anywhere close to perfect. or even average. My future is still hanging in the balance. I want to be a missionary, which it tough, really really tough. But I've decided to trust God with that, and not stress about it. Where he has called, I will go. That is not to say that Im not taking steps in any direction, because I am. But nothing is definitive.

  

 But here's how I make it through, well as much as I can tell you. The rest I don't really understand. I am blessed. And given grace. And for those things I have choosen to be grateful. I have choosen not to fret about the things I cant control. When there are so many things I have been given. In this year, the Lord is really teaching me to find the blessings, to make differences. To work towards being an example of His Love for us in my interaction with others. And as, earlier this week, I am constantly being reminded of what I have to be grateful for. Of how an attitude of gratitude can make a noticibly large change in what people see in you.
  So my response to this compliment I was given; "I am not perfect. And Im flattered you want to be like me, but its not easy. It takes dedication.  And LOTS more God. He is really the reason for the things you see."

As you can imagine, I got no response to that. She must've thought I was crazy. Ahahha (:

Love&Rockets,
Aggie

Philippians 3:12-14

Everything I am. Or am not.

This week, my self esteem has been battered and bruised. Im not sure how much more of this I can go through. We just finished a time of being thankful right (not entirely, but you catch my drift.)? So today I am going to let you in on my desires. Things I would change. Some would call it "baggage." I would call it "motivation." This insecurities help me to keep moving forward. If I thought I was perfect, Id need no change. No reason to try different things. Or pursue dreams.
So if I could change things about me I would:

• Be taller
• Be thinner
• Be a better listener
• Be organized
• Be a better, more diligant student
• Have my parents approval
• Not let people down
• Do things right the first time
• Not try so hard to mke people like me
• Have joy. Never ending joy.
• Not cry.
• Be slower to anger.
• Tell people how I feel
• Pray harder, longer, more often
• have clear goals
• not get so wrapped up in myself that I sacrifice peoples feelings
• be (more) sensitive to the Spirit
• make my parents proud
• not get distracted
• help out more
• make a relatioship last (and no not a romantic one. just any.)
• touch peoples lives.
• Have a more trained voice
• have talents.
• was a better, more skilled writer.
• not let people down 

There are more things, of that I am sure. But these are the things I deal with, and think about everyday. The things that both push me forward and break me down. That keep me going and make me want to give up. But who am I to expect different things? Why cant I be happy with the life God has given me? I am, I really am. But sometimes I feel as though I screwed it up. And there's no way to get it right again. 

-Aggie-