Strength.

Friday, my dad met with the oncologist. We were told he has stage 4 advanced kidney cancer. And there is no treatment for it. The only thing they can do is treat the symptoms.

Whoa.

What do you do when you were basically told "you're dad's going to die. we can just make it suck a little less by keeping him around for a little bit longer."? What am I supposed to say to people who ask me questions?

But there are two phrases that keep coming up that I just dont know how I feel about. The first one is "God does miracle." Yes, I believe this. I beleive that God has no limits and can do more then my wildest dreams. I believe in miracles. But I also know the striking reality that is my father's situation. And what are you going to say to me, those of you who gave me the false hope of a miracle? What will you say then? Let me come to terms with this situation before the worst things happen. Thats what I want. Things are going to get bad, really bad. And I dont want another reason to mad at God. But if I believe whole heartedly that God is going to do a miracle and heal my dad, and that doesnt happen. If I lose my father, that could cripple my relationship with God forever. Thats not wha I want.

The second, "If you need anything, just let me know." I would like to know, how many people who have said this to me actually mean it? If I called you at 2:30 in the morning and needed someone to talk to would you be there? If I needed you to go to the store for me would you? If robbie needed help on his homework would you help us? I know you all think you would but Im not so sure. If I've never said more than 3 words to you the chances of you helping me out are very slim.

                 *Jumps off Soapbox*

Right now I am struggling. Everyone thinks Im so strong or tells me that I need to be strong for my family and Im trying, I really am. But I...just...can't. Sometimes I need to cry. To be held. To be talked to. Sometimes, I don't want to keep the straight face. I've spent so much time worrying about tother people's feelings or thoughts that I havent really had time to form my own. Being strong sucks. It feels like Im being strong for everyone else but I have no one being strong for me. I know that I should run to God and cling to Him. And people keep telling me to pray, but sometimes that's not enough. I'm tired of putting on a show of perfection and indestructability.

I am human. And I am hurting.

     Love&Rockets

      Aggie