Costa Rica Experience.

Today is the first day I spent waking up and getting ready in my new home. The first sunrise I saw in San Jose Costa Rica. It is a beautiful thing. To see students up enjoying God's creation and reading His Word.
There is just something about this place. You don't have to try very hard to make this place home. It just, is.
I guess God has a way of working things out like that.
Yesterday was a...unique experience. We got to the airport at about 6:45, checked our bags, went through security and the whole bit. We boarded at about 9 and our plane took off at 9:45. A flight that was only supposed to take 4 hours ended up taking about 4 and a half. With terrible turbulence. But God is faithful. We landed at about 12:05, and arrived at the Villa at 1.
What a long day. The rest of the day was spent unpacking and bonding. I had my first taste of WalMart in other countries.
and my first taste of other countries, period.
So much is different here than back home. And I havent seen any crawly creatures yet, Praise JESUS!
Although, I am our incumbant spider killer. Don't know how that one happened.
The transition I was worried about , living with peolpe, new friends and everything, so far that has not been a problem. And I look forward to it not being. We have a group that walks to the University in the morning to use the facilities they have so graciously allowed us access to. I was not in that group this morning.
And some of you won't believe this but I am eating fruit! For those that don't know, fruit and I have a hate/hate relationship. I hate eating it. I have serious texture issues. But before I left, I gave those issues to God. I told Him that I woould not make this year miserable by not experiencing the food they have here. nd boy oh boy am I ever glad I did that.
This morning, on my PB&J I used Guava Jelly and I had some fresh mango, . I don't even know what a Guava is. But it was delicious. Last night, we had fresh fruit, yum yum, minus the bananas, I still haven't risen to the banana thing yet.
I feel like God is using this.. Pray that I continue on a path of obedience to Him.
Today lots of things happen, we are evaluted for our spots in ministry and many many other things.
How exciting this is!
Also, as I was reading my Bible this morning I began to think of ways to grow closer to God. One of them was memorizing the Word. This semester I am giong to memorize Romans 6. I just cannot get Romans 6 out of my head. Everything I think and Do and write comes back to Romans 6. How awesome.
This is going to be a great year.
Continue in prayer for me. For my roommates for my GAP family and for my real family.
Things will probably get hard but I am ready and willing for that. The more prayer, the more success.
For it is not my will but His.
I will upload pictures as soon as I can!
Love,
Aggie

Georgia.

Well, I've made it. I arrived in Atlanta Georgia Saturday Afternoon. On the plane, I was afraid. Afraid I was in way over my head. Afraid I was too small for this. Afraid I wouldn't fit here. Afraid I was alone.
Then I was picked up from the airport, from our Director Jeff Hackett. Still fearing was ebbing, Did I not have a host family? was I here too early?
A 20 minute drive from  the Airport to Jeff's Hotel. My host mom met us there.
When I met her, I knew. I felt like a daughter. I was supposed to be here.
She has a daughter. Well, actually she has 2. They are both grown and one is married. Thats the one that Ive had contact with. The other is away at school.
Daughter number one, Alex, was in the GAP Program 3 years ago. So she's been more than happy to fill me in. Her husband was someone she met because of mutual friends in the GAP program. And now they are happily married.
This family is a living testimony of God's faithful hand.
In March, their home church, and Alex's wedding venue, burned to the ground in an electrical fire.
"When God closes one door, He opens another."
The local Presbytarian Church has allowed their church to meet in its gym ever since. Now, the Pres. Church is closing and they have offered the building for sale to their River Church.
Alex's wedding, the Chateu Elan. Yes, where Usher was married. The premire wedding venue. They affered their facitlies paid in FULL. With all the amenities. Full spread, Venue, Catering, Decorating, Guest Rooms, and the Honeymoon suite.
You tell me, How great is our God??
My time in Georgia has been amazing. I feel like part of their family.
God is proving Himself. Not, that He needs to prove Himself but He is revealing Himself.
I guess that's better wording.
Today is my first day of orientation. My first day with 34 new people.
I feel like I've been in this perpetual state of meeting people. I just want to know everyone and be done with it.
But I have a day full of meeting people and team building!
One more night and I'll be in the wonderful country of Costa Rica.
Georgia is great, People are great, God is great.
                                                                   Love,
                                                                   Aggie

A hurricane and a Picture

The only way I find fitting to describe this summer is a hurricane. A storm so violent that you can do nothing but watch it happen, and hide from its aftermath.
So many times I wanted to run away and hide from this summer. From the change, from the uncertainty, from the hurt, from the challenge.
I feel like alot of things happened but I can hardly remember any of them because they happened so fast.
But the end of this summer brings about a rainbow, September 8th at 1:30pm, I will no longer be living where I have been for the past 28 years. I will be on my way to Atlanta Georgia where I will stay for 3 days as part of a trainging program for the GAP Year.
After those 3 days, I will board a plane to my final destination, San Jose Costa Rica.
Can you believe it?!
Me, the girl who is so afraid of change she's bought the same ceral since she was 5 years old and cant get rid of old things for fear of the new. Yes, me. I will be living and learning, along with 23 other people in a brand new culture.
And I'm not even afraid.
Sometimes I have momentary freakouts, but I keep being rerouted to verses in the bible, or songs, or people. All of these things reassuring me that this is where God has placed me and He will make this whole thing work. The time I spend away from here is a learning experience for me. Learning how to fully, completly, entirely rely on God. Something I get out of the habit of doing here in Cozytown MI. -I'm mostly excited. I'm excited because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, at all. And I haven't really been leaning on the Lord to help me make that decision so I know that if I went away to college this year I would be completly wrong. And because if I don't get out of my comfort zone now, I never will.
This experience is something I never in a million years would have expected to do, but here I am, 15 days from take-off.
And I think of the combination of things that has happened to our family, my friends, myself over this summer and sometimes I think, "why God? Why would you work this out like this. you know I'm leaving and I'm leaving for you, so why are you hurting them so?!"
And then I remember that God doesnt take orders from me. It doesnt matter wether I understand the purpose. What matters is that I trust Him. That I love Him. That I live a life that reflects that, even when its not easy.
And then everything is okay again.
Sometimes, I wish the picture were clearer. But then I see the shades and I am reminded that there is a picture there, no matter how hard it is for me to see and that if I just wait, wait a little longer, the picture will get clearer and clearer. And it might not make sense but the picture is already drawn. I just have to color with the crayons He gives me.

-Aggie.

You is kind. You is smart.You is important.

Do you ever find that hard to believe? You are worth it. Sometimes, I find myself forgetting. Thinking "Im just an ordinary part of an ordinary life." Recently I'd forgotten. Feeling less and less important. More and more insignificant, and not because of anything inprticular, more like a thousand little things, wrapped up and combined with the messiness of life. Yes, messiness. Because thats the only word that describes it.

So then I got to thinking and to praying.

What does God think about me?

How does he feel when His "masterpiece" devalues herself? Does His heart break for those who do not love themselves? I think it does.

I keep thinking about myself and thethings Im doing. Honestly, thats why its taken me so long to write.

I just cant come up with anything worth saying. I have a hard time believing that my words matter.

Do they? Does what we say make a difference?

I believe it can. If you are talented. I youre eloquent. If you're charasmatic.

Im not so sure about me yet.

Love&Rockets

Aggie

In the beginning GOD...

This is my post-VBS post.

Sometimes its easy not to need God in everyday life. Of course we always need God but to really need him, to not be able to make it through the day without prayer, Bible reading, complete rendering to God. That is rare. That kind of yearning. And sometimes all the time, it is healthy to step back, step out and watch. Admire the work God is doing that you are too self centered to even realize. 

This is that step for me.

 Normally, Vacation Bible School is held at a church. But where's the fun in that?
We took VBS into the community. We developed relationships outside of our comfort zones. We explored the possibility that there is more to Christian living than being boarded up in our big church with our big steeple and fancy worship services.

SURPRISE! Everything was okay. We survived. In fact, we Christ thrived.

On the first day, our numbers were a staggering 60 kids, most of which were not from our church. 

Tuesday, 85. Still growing.

Wednesday, 83. 

Thursday...are you ready for this? 101

Friday, I actually don't know. But it was a lot.

God worked. 

For the first time I was a team leader, by myself. We were the "Yellow Fellas." (which is funny because we only had 2 boys in our group.) 

Everyday we had a team huddle to discuss what we had learned, what Uncle Al had taught. 

I had one girl specifically who listened so intently to the story, it was amazing. Amazing to see her attitude, her conversation, all change. She was learning, she was getting it! This relationship I held so dear to me with the Almighty God, she SAW it. She wanted it. She UNDERSTOOD it. 

To hear her talk for 20 minutes about the things that she was learning, I could do it for the  rest of my life. 

The other kids in my group were great too. Some were leary to love at first but once we continued to pour and pour into them, they opened up their hearts, and minds. It was a great week. Because I was a leader by myself with 10 young children, a parent stayed to help me. A parent from the community. Not from the church. She was learning too. She was a young mom (only 2 years older than me), we were able to have conversations before bible school started and during it.

 She kept asking, "so why did you decide to do this? why are you going to do this your whole life?"

I just looked at her and told her to look at the kids, 

"Because of them. They are learning. They will know that there is someone out there that loves them. More than you or I ever could. And if I don't do it, who will?" 

She came back Sunday night. 

Maybe I'll see her again. But if I never do I'll know that she knows. She knows about the God who saved me. Who can save her. 

And that's enough for me. 

Also, the double digit countdown for GAP has begun...75 days. 

Honestly.....I don't know what I'm doing. I just know that this is what I want to do.

I have tons of money to raise. 

And I'm hoping this really is what God wants me to do. If it is, he'll help me work it out, right?

Someone tell me I'm right. 

I haven't been praying a lot about it lately. 

I'm terrified. 

Because, what if it changes my life?

 My week in Pictures.

-Aggie-

Its more then just a broken headlight.

"BOOM!" Just like that. The front end of her car was finished. The headlight on the left side, shattered.

Today, I hit a car.

 In a lot of ways that headlight was my life, cracking under pressure. Always being subject to someone else's ideas or opinions.

Until now, Until the external chaos and disaster has become too much. And I just gave up. I surrender to all of the awful things happening around me.

That headlight was so much more than broken glass. It was a symbolof the expectations put on me by everyone else that I will never concievably be able to reach.

It was the fear that someday someone would realize that I do not have it all together.

It was the facade that I wear, every. single. day. That I have hidden behind for so long.

As tears streamed down my face, I broke. Just like that headlight. But for so many different reasons.

I broke because I will never be that girl.

Because I'm always stuck in situations where I care so much and everyone else cares so little.

Because I am living in someone else's reality.

I broke because its just too hard. I can pretend all I want but none of my problems are going away.

A just like that headlight, I can't handle it.

But here's where the headlight and I differ, you can't fix me with a couple hundred dollars.

Truth is, I dont know if you can fix me at all.

Maybe I'm just better off broken.

Love&Rockets

Aggie

Sometimes/Always

So, I stole this idea from a pretty cool lady whose blog I read religiously. Its called "Sometimes/Always." Its pretty easy to understand.

Sometimes: I am in a bad mood.

Always: I am frustrated with my perpetual selfishness

Sometimes: I change my hair color

Always: I look for positive expressions of the change going on in my life.

Sometimes: I yell and scream

Always: I feel as though my voice is not being heard. I am being drowned out by the whirlpool of life that is deafening around me.

Sometimes: I see you.

Always: I wish I did.

Sometimes: I regret the decisions I made in the past.

Always: I remember that I am made up of mistakes, decisions, growth, and change. Without those things I wouldn't be who I am or be going where I am going.

Sometimes: I say what I am thinking.

Always: I cover every possible situation before it occurs and pretty much write out a script to every single scenario.

Sometimes: I weep and wonder.

Always: I know that I have a God who cares and loves me. And I should not be afraid. Always, I have a hope.

Sometimes: I panic.

Always: I want things to run smoothly.

                                                                                         Love&Rockets

                                                                                             Aggie

After all, every child grows up...except, one.

I write to you as an alumness of Marshall Acadmey. Thats right, I did it! Years of work, struggles, exams, essays, study groups, teacher turnovers, and the like. Now here I am.

And I don't feel any different..

I'm still me. I just ask a lot more questions now.

I'm more frightened than ever before.

Thats about it...and I could have done without feeling this way.

Some people talk about how they are so glad its all over and they cant wait to go somewhere else, some never wanted it to end, but me, I wish I could do it all over again. There are so many things I would take back, so many improvements I could have made. But then I get to thinking, "Would I be who I was and go where I am going if I had made those decisions differently?"

 I don't think so.

I believe in mistakes, I do. But I believe that without mistakes it is impossible to learn. I have made alot, and in turn I have learned alot. About me, About life, About society, About people.

I hope what I have done, where I have gotten have made those who are important to me proud. That's what I wanted.

I have accomplished everything I thought I would and as I embark on the greatest adventure of my life, furthering the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I continue to reflect on the people and places I used to know. Those who thought me so much. Or who I was able to teach. The friends who were always there.

Moving on is a hard, hard thing to do. And sometimes I wish I didn't have to do it. But then I would never discover myself. Something I still have to do.

So here I go. Out of one door, closing it behind me.

-Aggie-

A little post about a little brother

The first thing most people know about my relationship with my brother is that I tried to kill him when he was baby. Which is not true. I was three, I didnt know that grabbing a person my their neck to life them up was not exactly the greatest idea in the world. Im so glad nothing bad happened. That little boy has grown into a wonderful guy and my best friend. It is not unusual for you to hear about sisters being best friends but not usually brother/sister.

When we were younger I hated that I was always compared to Robbie, I couldnt make it through the day without hearing about how perfect Robbie was. It was the worst. But as more and more things happen in our family, he's really the only one who gets it. He understands how I feel, how sometimes I just want to drive, with no direction. And he doesn't ask questions. Because he already knows. My least favorite thing is when people say "I know what you're going through." Most of the time I want to scream

"NO YOU DONT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! And Im not going to talk to you so GO AWAY!!" I've never done that of course. But, still. When I cry, he knows. When I yell, he yells back because he knows. We share this unspoken understanding that we need each other. We can have honest conversation without the awkward "we dont talk about that" feeling.

If he thinks I'm going to do something stupid, he tells me.

He's the truest friend I've ever had.

Friends forever, Siblings for always <3

Love&Rockets

Aggie

"We just don't talk about that." - Victorian Era motto

Over and over again I keep hearing people talk about keeping their personal lives, personal. I heard a song:

"Let it out
Everything you've worked so hard to hide
Let it out
Let it out
Leave it at the cross where Jesus died
Take off your mask
Find peace at last
Cause He loves you more than you could ever know
Let it out"

 Recently, in my British Literature class at school we have been studying the Victorian Era, where this whole idea of privacy and "we just don't talk about it." happened to have originated from.
When I thought about it, I realized that is the way I live my life. Happy on the outside, broken on the inside.
Why?
I cant answer that, not because "I can't talk about it" but because honestly, I can't think of a good reason.
So, I'll tell you what I know.
             I know that I have a serious issue with being vulnerable. And anyone who has had contact with me in the last 12 weeks and has uttered the words "How are you doing?" knows that I will not put myself in that position. I will not will not will not ever ever ever answer that question honestly. I have a script, and depending on who you are you get different variations of the same thing "I've been alright, keeping busy." "I'm okay." "I've been fine. Things are hard, but Im okay." "I'm doin what I can, making it through." or the outlandish "I'm good." <--if I've ever said the last one to you, we obviously don't know each other. Or Im trying really hard to impress you. 
I know that I that I want people to think I've got it all together. Maybe that's the perfectionist in me?
I know that I feel like once you share information with people, you force them to feel bad for you, you force them to care, whether or not they wanted to at the beginning of your conversation.
I know that if you don't talk about it, it doesn't exsist. Or so I thought. Oh how I wish that was true. I wish that if you refused to talk about your troubles they just went away.
I know that I don't want people to know what's going on because if they don't know then they don't have the power to hurt me.
But most of all, I know that I can't deal with the harsh reality of this situation. The medications, the treatments, the loss of time, the precious moments. Any of it. I dont know how to handle it. I dont want to handle it.
Included in the Victorian Era was the new idea of childhood. Children never got to experience the world or enjoy life. They went from infants to adults. There was hardly any childhood for anyone. I feel as though this is how my life has been, I haven't really gotten to be a teenager, I went for child to adult in no time. Sometimes I look back at that and wish that I would have gotten that period to figure out who I really am. And other times I am grateful that I had to grow up and have resonsibilities. All of these hard times are teachign me balance. They have helped me get a clear, attainable focus. I didnt have a future laid out for me, and I didn't have the luxury of having parents who allowed irresponsibility to slide. I had to learn quickly that nothing comes without work, something I feel that many people my age have not realized yet.
I believe that I would have fit in perfectly as a person in the Victorian Era because even 150 years later I still implement all their ideas. Whether or not I mean to.

                                     Love&Rockets

                                    Aggie

Strength.

Friday, my dad met with the oncologist. We were told he has stage 4 advanced kidney cancer. And there is no treatment for it. The only thing they can do is treat the symptoms.

Whoa.

What do you do when you were basically told "you're dad's going to die. we can just make it suck a little less by keeping him around for a little bit longer."? What am I supposed to say to people who ask me questions?

But there are two phrases that keep coming up that I just dont know how I feel about. The first one is "God does miracle." Yes, I believe this. I beleive that God has no limits and can do more then my wildest dreams. I believe in miracles. But I also know the striking reality that is my father's situation. And what are you going to say to me, those of you who gave me the false hope of a miracle? What will you say then? Let me come to terms with this situation before the worst things happen. Thats what I want. Things are going to get bad, really bad. And I dont want another reason to mad at God. But if I believe whole heartedly that God is going to do a miracle and heal my dad, and that doesnt happen. If I lose my father, that could cripple my relationship with God forever. Thats not wha I want.

The second, "If you need anything, just let me know." I would like to know, how many people who have said this to me actually mean it? If I called you at 2:30 in the morning and needed someone to talk to would you be there? If I needed you to go to the store for me would you? If robbie needed help on his homework would you help us? I know you all think you would but Im not so sure. If I've never said more than 3 words to you the chances of you helping me out are very slim.

                 *Jumps off Soapbox*

Right now I am struggling. Everyone thinks Im so strong or tells me that I need to be strong for my family and Im trying, I really am. But I...just...can't. Sometimes I need to cry. To be held. To be talked to. Sometimes, I don't want to keep the straight face. I've spent so much time worrying about tother people's feelings or thoughts that I havent really had time to form my own. Being strong sucks. It feels like Im being strong for everyone else but I have no one being strong for me. I know that I should run to God and cling to Him. And people keep telling me to pray, but sometimes that's not enough. I'm tired of putting on a show of perfection and indestructability.

I am human. And I am hurting.

     Love&Rockets

      Aggie

Even the best fall down sometimes.

A week ago friday my dad went to Kalamazoo for an MRI of his brain. Tuesday the results were in, a tumor was found. Wednesday, more tests. Thursday more answers, more tumors, this time on his lungs, liver, and other abdomine regions. Scary. However, they have not told us definitivly if it is cancer. His blood work and labs have been normal so cancer does not seem like a viable explainiation. But it also seems like the only explaination. Even Scarier.
So, I wasnt sleeping very well, lots of crying was going on. I feel like even if I tried, I couldnt cry anymore. Im not physically able to.
After the intial shock, sadness, fear and anger passed I felt.....peaceful? Maybe not exactly all the way at peace with what is happening but peaceful in that I have realized that my hurt, and worry is not going to make the situation change. And it definitly isnt helping me feel any better about it.
Lots of prayers have been said, from me, from my mom, from you, and from other people.
I won't pertend that this is easy and I'm fine with having to go through it again because I'm not. But in one of my many spouts with God this week I remembered what I said at the beginning of this year, that I was going to praise Him, no matter what. That I was going to take comfort in knowing He doesn't do things to harm us. There must be something better, or something to learn. This is definitly increasing and producing much faith in the Hays/Stephenson household.
God is so Good.
Would you remember that? For me?
Sometimes its hard, and sometimes it hurts but He is soooo good. And He loves us so much.
Please be praying that I am led in the direction I should go as far as my future stands. As many of you know, I work at camp in the summer time, but because of the situation right now that does not look like a possibility for me. I planned to leave for Costa Rica ing September and I feel that I need to be with my family before I leave. This is hard for me because I lve my job at Pine Ridge. And if that is not what God would have me to do then I pray His calling is clear to me.

Love&Rockets
Aggie.

Grown up Update.

             Today, I rearranged my schedule so I would be able to drive my dad up to Kalamazoo. Something that has never ever made me happier in my entire life.
A little over a month ago, my father was rushed to Bronson for a bleed in his brain. He stayed there all weekend, and was released that monday, without any answers, causes, nothing. Today is the day that we will be able to find some of those things out.
Life has been rough for us since the 9th of December. My mom has worked alot more, my dad has not worked at all. I started working to help out. For a while, we werent allowed to leave my dad by himself, so I had to be there. I had to put aside my highschool life for a while. He started physical therapy and has been doing fantastic. Which, for a daughter, is absolutly wonderful to hear.

So today is exciting, in a wierd way. And Im glad I get to be there for him whe my mom can't. I've never been more thankful for the responsibilities I've been given and even though they are not fun at times, I love that I am needed. My dad needs me and I am here.

I will post an update of what the doctors say when we get back, not that I will understand any of it. But I'll try my best.

Love&Rockets

Aggie



In a perfect world.

Someone at school told me the other day, "Aggie, I am so jealous of you. you have the perfect smile, perfect attitude, perfect family, perfect grades, perfect voice, perfect future plans. Everything works out for you. Why cant I be like that?"

First, I had to stop myself from saying "Do you even know me??"

I don't know who these people think I am. But I am far from the perfect person she described. I guess I put on a good show huh?

Here's the truth: I struggle. alot. With temptation, with pride, with selfishness. I smile because I'm more afraid of people asking me questions. My attitude is simply me trying to make the best of a bad situation. Things go wrong, but if I let that effect how I look at the world, it will. And it will take away frm any joy I have. Simply, I choose to be grateful for what I have, instead of pouting about what I dont. As for the perfect family part, are you kidding? What does a perfect family even look like because I have noo idea. Our family goes through what most families do, and sometimes even more. My grades are not perfect either, I wish they were but they arent. They arent bad though, and thats because I work. My voice, is untrained to say the least. I have a hard time beliving its anywhere close to perfect. or even average. My future is still hanging in the balance. I want to be a missionary, which it tough, really really tough. But I've decided to trust God with that, and not stress about it. Where he has called, I will go. That is not to say that Im not taking steps in any direction, because I am. But nothing is definitive.

  

 But here's how I make it through, well as much as I can tell you. The rest I don't really understand. I am blessed. And given grace. And for those things I have choosen to be grateful. I have choosen not to fret about the things I cant control. When there are so many things I have been given. In this year, the Lord is really teaching me to find the blessings, to make differences. To work towards being an example of His Love for us in my interaction with others. And as, earlier this week, I am constantly being reminded of what I have to be grateful for. Of how an attitude of gratitude can make a noticibly large change in what people see in you.
  So my response to this compliment I was given; "I am not perfect. And Im flattered you want to be like me, but its not easy. It takes dedication.  And LOTS more God. He is really the reason for the things you see."

As you can imagine, I got no response to that. She must've thought I was crazy. Ahahha (:

Love&Rockets,
Aggie

Philippians 3:12-14