Everything I am. Or am not.

This week, my self esteem has been battered and bruised. Im not sure how much more of this I can go through. We just finished a time of being thankful right (not entirely, but you catch my drift.)? So today I am going to let you in on my desires. Things I would change. Some would call it "baggage." I would call it "motivation." This insecurities help me to keep moving forward. If I thought I was perfect, Id need no change. No reason to try different things. Or pursue dreams.
So if I could change things about me I would:

• Be taller
• Be thinner
• Be a better listener
• Be organized
• Be a better, more diligant student
• Have my parents approval
• Not let people down
• Do things right the first time
• Not try so hard to mke people like me
• Have joy. Never ending joy.
• Not cry.
• Be slower to anger.
• Tell people how I feel
• Pray harder, longer, more often
• have clear goals
• not get so wrapped up in myself that I sacrifice peoples feelings
• be (more) sensitive to the Spirit
• make my parents proud
• not get distracted
• help out more
• make a relatioship last (and no not a romantic one. just any.)
• touch peoples lives.
• Have a more trained voice
• have talents.
• was a better, more skilled writer.
• not let people down 

There are more things, of that I am sure. But these are the things I deal with, and think about everyday. The things that both push me forward and break me down. That keep me going and make me want to give up. But who am I to expect different things? Why cant I be happy with the life God has given me? I am, I really am. But sometimes I feel as though I screwed it up. And there's no way to get it right again. 

-Aggie-

The start of something (S) new.

This is an "I'm sorry-my life has gotten really crazy-been too busy to blog" post.

Let me start by saying, Im sorry for not finishing what I started in regards to publishing my camp journals. I sort of fail as a devote blogger. But I am back on track! :) And I intend to start using this as a tool, for you to start to see my passions and where my heart is and for me to work through my thoughts,show you what God is doing and maybe use this blog as a eagle eye into what I see as my mission, how I see my life. And hopefully you can join me (in more ways than one) on my journey to becoming a woman after Gods own heart.

---Now that we've got that out of the way--

I almost feel as though I should re-introduce you to myself. So, an update..
I am a senior in highschool, (26 weeks till graduation!!!) so now is really the time that most people my age are deciding what they want to do with themselves. I have had that figured out since I was 12. Well, actually my only real goal was to get out of Michigan. I have applied to several schools, although I have my heart set on Liberty University. I believe this would be the best option for me because I want to study Social Work/Human Services, but I believe that my Worldview would be compromised of I attend a large public secular unversity.  At Liberty, I will be getting Bible based knowledge and be in a community of Christians who can encourage me. And I LOVE big schools. Perfect set-up. (:
But those are not the only plans I have.
I have always used the phrase "America is my mission field!" as sort of a cop-out, I think. I mean, sure, yes, America is my mission and lots of other people's too but if everyone used that as an excuse not to go anywhere, we would have no world missions. Americans would be the only ones with the saving knowledge of Christ. We would be failing miserably as Christians. And I believe that's what I have been doing, failing. Why? Because, I've only been exsisting, only worried about myself and my comfort.
Recently, our church had a missions conference, which I decided I was too tired to attend the first day. There was a family, the Tabors, who are missionaries to Costa Rica (a country with a strikingly large amount of teenage mothers. and a country close to my heart lately)  With the organization that the Tabors are through is a program for highschool graduates called GAP. A nine-month learinig program to Costa Rica. My mom, knowing that I have developed a interest in this country brought the pamphlet home. My words, "No, way mom. I cannot miss my first year of college. I am NOT living in a foreign country. Not happenin'. Maybe over spring break. or Christmas break." Mom's response- "So you want a vacation? You dont actually want to help."
Ouch.
That struck some prayer. Immense prayer actually.
The next morning, which happened to be a Sunday. I went to the Tabor's table after service. I wasnt really sure why at the moment, but I did. I let him and his wife share with me what they knew of the program.
More praying.
And a week later, I decided that this is something God wants me to do.
Take a year (my first adult year of life), mature, learn about Him, grow fully devoted to Him, away from my comfort, every single comfort of home. Let the people in the program and of the country pour into me and then I into them.
And that is where Im at now.
Correction, that is where God has brought me to now.
I gave it all up. And I couldnt be more happy.

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back." Phillipians 3:12-14

Love&Rockets,
Aggie

Here Am I All of me, take my life its all for Thee.

Wednesday, July 13th.

Yesterday I was stuck in a difficult situation. I still am. I have to explain to a girl, who is adopted that she is worth the love God has for her. While not losing the truth that we do not deserve grace. And I must tread lightly because she does not believe anyone could ever love her..How do I go about doing that?

And I might have an incident worthy of Camp director intervention. Its one of those situations you hear about in staff training but write off as one of those "never happened here" things. I desperatly want to believe this girl, but part of me..is having a hard time believing it. Guidance please?!

And on top of all of this, I have my own personal problems and struggles. I have serious attachment issues. Something I need to work on..I honestly have no idea whats going on..

Dear God,

I am in awe of you. Trying to explain you to K hard. Nearly impossible.

So much for having all the answers.

Your love is unmeasurable, why do I deserve it? I dont. So how can I convey that message to her?

How can I explain to a girl who has never ever known true love in her life,

that You love her? Especially when I dont understand.

Thank you. For everything you have so graciously given to me.

Without fail, you are here for me. Even when Im all alone.

Help me to put aside the distractions that have been clouding my vision. To live, solely for you.

This life is not my own.

Dont not let my personality get in the way of my pouring out into these children. I need your wisdom. This is not a game for me.

I miss my life back home, like alot. But I absolutly love the solidarity here, how close I feel to you.

Things with Mikey havent changed yet. But I would like to forgive him. To rebuild a broken bridge. I cannot do that without your help though, he really hurt me. But I know that you really healed me and so I pray I can be a testimony to him. I really do love him. Maybe one day, everything will be ok again.

Amen. 

Here Am I All of me, take my life its all for Thee.

Tuesday, July 12th.

First full day of Junior camp. I'm a CA this week, so I will be physically, mentally and emotionally streched. So far, having a killer sunburn and a high-energy camper does not mix. I am also working with a former JCL partner, who bonding with has been challenging, bonding with everyone has really.

Last night, I shared my testimony with the girls, I never thought mine was important. I mean, its not like I was addicted to drugs or something and completly turned away, I was 7..I was good, nothing drastic happened. But sharing my testimony was harder than I thought it would be. All of the bitterness and hardship I went through at one time, all of the wrong I had done. The opportunites I missed. I think about the life I could be living right now if I had embraced the grace of God so much earlier than now.

Dear God,

My heart is hurting. As my life starts, help me to trust and obey you beyond question.

If my life is just for me then it is no life at all. Thank you for breaking me. For showing me there is no one but You.

Give me strength this week to pour out and OVERFLOWinto these girls. Help me to love like You do, to see with Your eyes.

Show me if my decisions are right.

I know nothing, I have no one.

Amen <3

Here Am I All of me, take my life its all for Thee.

Thursday, July 7th

Camp week one is over. This afternoon the campers will go home. Keeping a clear focus was very hard for me to do this week, but as Phillipians 4:13 says " I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me.."

He really did that this week, gave me strength. And when I trusted Him, it was a good day.Last night, I gave my devotions over Phillipians 4:6-7. I told the ladieshow Satan uses worry as a tool for seperation between us and God. And I see that evident in my life. I also told them how prayer is a tool we can use to combat worry, if we truly believe that God listens and CARES then there should be no reason to worry.

Dear God,

Trusting in You is hard. Believing that there is someone out there who has already planned out my life is scary. The scariest part is that I have no control.

I pray that you continue to remind me nicely :) that you are the One with all the power and that the glory belongs to You, not me. I do not want worry to displace You at the center of my life. Help me to focus going into next week, helpme to live out the Fruits of the Spirit that we are teaching here at camp. To be joyful, peaceful, loving and kind.

To live this life for You and not for me.

Amen <3

Here Am I All of me, take my life its all for Thee.

                                                                                                                   Wednesday, July 6th

Well, its Wednesday. Tomorrow campers go home. It doesnt feel like this is my first week, I feel like I've been here forever. I'm so glad God has been comforting me this week. Sunday night I thought I'd never make it here. But thats just how powerful He is. He bhas taken me from darkness and brought me to light, given me peace. Sometimes fighting God's plan comes naturally to me but I know I cannot do it on my own, nor do I really feel like trying, Tommy spoke last night in chapel to the campers about loving their friends  enemies. How often do I do that? Never. Why? Because its waay easier to resent and hate and be angry. But what if thats not the life I want to live?

Dear God,

Help me today to forgive and forget. To let go and to Love.

Love those who I hate. Who once loved me but no longer do.

I cannot do this alone.

Amen <3

                        



I pray that they will see more of you and less of me

It is the second day of February. And there is a foot of snow, fabulous.

This month things are changing. My friends, are no longer my friends. I dont know what happened.

They all left, every single freakin one of them.

And part of me doesnt care, and part of me is sad, but, most of me is angry.

Angry that they think Im the one thats making the mistakes. Im the one thats in the wrong, Im the one that needs  to change. That Im the one that HAS changed.

And to that last part, yes this is true. I have changed. Ive began to care more and more about my life beyond this crummy little town and this overrated highschool.

I am future minded.

Im ready.

Ready to start and have a new, better, life.

Ready to give my life, in service. In mission. But Im pretty sure that mission is America. The young, frightened, hurting children.Girls who dont know what else to do.

That is my change.

If you cannot look past your little 11th grade drama filled lives. I dont want to be any part of you.

YOU ARE APATHETIC!!! WAKE UP!

Just because I dont care about who did what with who and what they were wearing, I cannot be your friend?

FINE!

I would rather be known for the help and the love Im trying to bring people, then the awful, condescending jealous attitudes you guys are known for.

I will always love you, you mean the world to me and I will support you.

But I asked that you do the same for me, and that was too much for you.

So until you notice the error of your ways, we will never be real friends. I wont make a scene, I wont "rock the boat" but I will not fully rely on you,ever. I will not invest my time and problems into you.

However, maybe this is God's way of showing me who needs help around me most.

I know you guys claim the name "Christian" and I have no doubt in my mind that you are. But its time you took on the mission and helped out. Its time you saw that being a "Christian" isnt about how involved you are in church or how many verses you can quote or your goo to bad ratio. You have to be able to love people. No matter what they wear or what they say. Not in a condescending "holier-then-thou" "we-do-it-this-way" way, but in the way Jesus would be if He were here right now.

And frankly, You guys suck at it.

Jesus surrounded himself with tax-collectors. The worst of the worst in society.

And He has asked that you do the same.

And this requires a change from you, not me. I cannot force you, although I wish I could. It would be much easier that way. Im not saying you have to act like the world. But you do have to love it. Not because you are worried about what people say about you, and not because you want to be seen by God. Or seen by the "church people" That does no good.

I wish you guys could see yourselves the way other people see you, the way I see you. Maybe then, you would care..

I never want to act like you do.

And I pray that I won't. 

Love&Rockets-

Aggie <3

"Even on my weakest Days, I get a little bit stronger.."

God is good and I am happy
God is good and I am happy
God is good and I am happy
God is good and I am happy
God is good and I am happy

God is good and I am happy

God is good and I am happy

God is good and I am happy
God is good and I am happy

God is good and I am happy

God is good and I am happy 

...I just wish it was easy.....

This is tearing me apart... and I dont know what to do, so I'll sing to God and I'll pray to God

And I'll read my Bible and I'll talk to God.

And I'll see His goodness and I'll try to be happy.

No,No. I AM happy!!

I'm not TRYING, I AM!

I AM I AM I AM!!

Because I know that what is happening to me is God's will.

That doesnt mean I agree with it, believe me, if there was ANY other way to do this

I would.

I hatehatehate having to go through this but it is my own weakness that causes this pain.

And as the song says;

"I will worship while Im  waiting

I will praise you while Im waiting.."

Love&Rockets

Aggie

2011. New year, New start, New heart.

It is 2011; officially. And yes, I decided to be lame and write out my goals for the year. I am not usually one for resolutions because I associate "resolutions" with conformity, and failure. Everyone makes up a resolution but 99.9% of the time they fail at keeping those resolutions. "Resolutions" for me are goals you keep through February, until the hype of the New Year dies down.

So I dont have "resolutions." I have "goals", I have goals because I know I will fail, I know I'll have trouble with most of these goals. I know that these goals are going to be hard and take a certain submission I have not experienced in my life ever before. These goals are going to take change. And Im not sure if Im ready for that but I know that I need to be and hopefully by this time next year I will look back and see my life in a new way.

My Goals for 2011:

• begin to see people through Jesus's eyes
• put others before myself
• learn at least 20 things in Scripture
• make a heavenly impact on my friends
• be a living testimony of my Lord and Savior
• surround myself with Godly people.
• begin to mentor children
• start to see the positive side in all things.
• live intentionally for God, everyday
• to make my faith known
• To share Christ with whoever I can
• To go on a short term missions trip
• To Love with no excuses <3
• To be the girl God asked me to be
• To "use my powers for good and not evil" ;) (Kristin Sausser)

Love&Rockets

Aggie