A hurricane and a Picture

The only way I find fitting to describe this summer is a hurricane. A storm so violent that you can do nothing but watch it happen, and hide from its aftermath.
So many times I wanted to run away and hide from this summer. From the change, from the uncertainty, from the hurt, from the challenge.
I feel like alot of things happened but I can hardly remember any of them because they happened so fast.
But the end of this summer brings about a rainbow, September 8th at 1:30pm, I will no longer be living where I have been for the past 28 years. I will be on my way to Atlanta Georgia where I will stay for 3 days as part of a trainging program for the GAP Year.
After those 3 days, I will board a plane to my final destination, San Jose Costa Rica.
Can you believe it?!
Me, the girl who is so afraid of change she's bought the same ceral since she was 5 years old and cant get rid of old things for fear of the new. Yes, me. I will be living and learning, along with 23 other people in a brand new culture.
And I'm not even afraid.
Sometimes I have momentary freakouts, but I keep being rerouted to verses in the bible, or songs, or people. All of these things reassuring me that this is where God has placed me and He will make this whole thing work. The time I spend away from here is a learning experience for me. Learning how to fully, completly, entirely rely on God. Something I get out of the habit of doing here in Cozytown MI. -I'm mostly excited. I'm excited because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, at all. And I haven't really been leaning on the Lord to help me make that decision so I know that if I went away to college this year I would be completly wrong. And because if I don't get out of my comfort zone now, I never will.
This experience is something I never in a million years would have expected to do, but here I am, 15 days from take-off.
And I think of the combination of things that has happened to our family, my friends, myself over this summer and sometimes I think, "why God? Why would you work this out like this. you know I'm leaving and I'm leaving for you, so why are you hurting them so?!"
And then I remember that God doesnt take orders from me. It doesnt matter wether I understand the purpose. What matters is that I trust Him. That I love Him. That I live a life that reflects that, even when its not easy.
And then everything is okay again.
Sometimes, I wish the picture were clearer. But then I see the shades and I am reminded that there is a picture there, no matter how hard it is for me to see and that if I just wait, wait a little longer, the picture will get clearer and clearer. And it might not make sense but the picture is already drawn. I just have to color with the crayons He gives me.

-Aggie.

You is kind. You is smart.You is important.

Do you ever find that hard to believe? You are worth it. Sometimes, I find myself forgetting. Thinking "Im just an ordinary part of an ordinary life." Recently I'd forgotten. Feeling less and less important. More and more insignificant, and not because of anything inprticular, more like a thousand little things, wrapped up and combined with the messiness of life. Yes, messiness. Because thats the only word that describes it.

So then I got to thinking and to praying.

What does God think about me?

How does he feel when His "masterpiece" devalues herself? Does His heart break for those who do not love themselves? I think it does.

I keep thinking about myself and thethings Im doing. Honestly, thats why its taken me so long to write.

I just cant come up with anything worth saying. I have a hard time believing that my words matter.

Do they? Does what we say make a difference?

I believe it can. If you are talented. I youre eloquent. If you're charasmatic.

Im not so sure about me yet.

Love&Rockets

Aggie

In the beginning GOD...

This is my post-VBS post.

Sometimes its easy not to need God in everyday life. Of course we always need God but to really need him, to not be able to make it through the day without prayer, Bible reading, complete rendering to God. That is rare. That kind of yearning. And sometimes all the time, it is healthy to step back, step out and watch. Admire the work God is doing that you are too self centered to even realize. 

This is that step for me.

 Normally, Vacation Bible School is held at a church. But where's the fun in that?
We took VBS into the community. We developed relationships outside of our comfort zones. We explored the possibility that there is more to Christian living than being boarded up in our big church with our big steeple and fancy worship services.

SURPRISE! Everything was okay. We survived. In fact, we Christ thrived.

On the first day, our numbers were a staggering 60 kids, most of which were not from our church. 

Tuesday, 85. Still growing.

Wednesday, 83. 

Thursday...are you ready for this? 101

Friday, I actually don't know. But it was a lot.

God worked. 

For the first time I was a team leader, by myself. We were the "Yellow Fellas." (which is funny because we only had 2 boys in our group.) 

Everyday we had a team huddle to discuss what we had learned, what Uncle Al had taught. 

I had one girl specifically who listened so intently to the story, it was amazing. Amazing to see her attitude, her conversation, all change. She was learning, she was getting it! This relationship I held so dear to me with the Almighty God, she SAW it. She wanted it. She UNDERSTOOD it. 

To hear her talk for 20 minutes about the things that she was learning, I could do it for the  rest of my life. 

The other kids in my group were great too. Some were leary to love at first but once we continued to pour and pour into them, they opened up their hearts, and minds. It was a great week. Because I was a leader by myself with 10 young children, a parent stayed to help me. A parent from the community. Not from the church. She was learning too. She was a young mom (only 2 years older than me), we were able to have conversations before bible school started and during it.

 She kept asking, "so why did you decide to do this? why are you going to do this your whole life?"

I just looked at her and told her to look at the kids, 

"Because of them. They are learning. They will know that there is someone out there that loves them. More than you or I ever could. And if I don't do it, who will?" 

She came back Sunday night. 

Maybe I'll see her again. But if I never do I'll know that she knows. She knows about the God who saved me. Who can save her. 

And that's enough for me. 

Also, the double digit countdown for GAP has begun...75 days. 

Honestly.....I don't know what I'm doing. I just know that this is what I want to do.

I have tons of money to raise. 

And I'm hoping this really is what God wants me to do. If it is, he'll help me work it out, right?

Someone tell me I'm right. 

I haven't been praying a lot about it lately. 

I'm terrified. 

Because, what if it changes my life?

 My week in Pictures.

-Aggie-

Its more then just a broken headlight.

"BOOM!" Just like that. The front end of her car was finished. The headlight on the left side, shattered.

Today, I hit a car.

 In a lot of ways that headlight was my life, cracking under pressure. Always being subject to someone else's ideas or opinions.

Until now, Until the external chaos and disaster has become too much. And I just gave up. I surrender to all of the awful things happening around me.

That headlight was so much more than broken glass. It was a symbolof the expectations put on me by everyone else that I will never concievably be able to reach.

It was the fear that someday someone would realize that I do not have it all together.

It was the facade that I wear, every. single. day. That I have hidden behind for so long.

As tears streamed down my face, I broke. Just like that headlight. But for so many different reasons.

I broke because I will never be that girl.

Because I'm always stuck in situations where I care so much and everyone else cares so little.

Because I am living in someone else's reality.

I broke because its just too hard. I can pretend all I want but none of my problems are going away.

A just like that headlight, I can't handle it.

But here's where the headlight and I differ, you can't fix me with a couple hundred dollars.

Truth is, I dont know if you can fix me at all.

Maybe I'm just better off broken.

Love&Rockets

Aggie

Sometimes/Always

So, I stole this idea from a pretty cool lady whose blog I read religiously. Its called "Sometimes/Always." Its pretty easy to understand.

Sometimes: I am in a bad mood.

Always: I am frustrated with my perpetual selfishness

Sometimes: I change my hair color

Always: I look for positive expressions of the change going on in my life.

Sometimes: I yell and scream

Always: I feel as though my voice is not being heard. I am being drowned out by the whirlpool of life that is deafening around me.

Sometimes: I see you.

Always: I wish I did.

Sometimes: I regret the decisions I made in the past.

Always: I remember that I am made up of mistakes, decisions, growth, and change. Without those things I wouldn't be who I am or be going where I am going.

Sometimes: I say what I am thinking.

Always: I cover every possible situation before it occurs and pretty much write out a script to every single scenario.

Sometimes: I weep and wonder.

Always: I know that I have a God who cares and loves me. And I should not be afraid. Always, I have a hope.

Sometimes: I panic.

Always: I want things to run smoothly.

                                                                                         Love&Rockets

                                                                                             Aggie

After all, every child grows up...except, one.

I write to you as an alumness of Marshall Acadmey. Thats right, I did it! Years of work, struggles, exams, essays, study groups, teacher turnovers, and the like. Now here I am.

And I don't feel any different..

I'm still me. I just ask a lot more questions now.

I'm more frightened than ever before.

Thats about it...and I could have done without feeling this way.

Some people talk about how they are so glad its all over and they cant wait to go somewhere else, some never wanted it to end, but me, I wish I could do it all over again. There are so many things I would take back, so many improvements I could have made. But then I get to thinking, "Would I be who I was and go where I am going if I had made those decisions differently?"

 I don't think so.

I believe in mistakes, I do. But I believe that without mistakes it is impossible to learn. I have made alot, and in turn I have learned alot. About me, About life, About society, About people.

I hope what I have done, where I have gotten have made those who are important to me proud. That's what I wanted.

I have accomplished everything I thought I would and as I embark on the greatest adventure of my life, furthering the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I continue to reflect on the people and places I used to know. Those who thought me so much. Or who I was able to teach. The friends who were always there.

Moving on is a hard, hard thing to do. And sometimes I wish I didn't have to do it. But then I would never discover myself. Something I still have to do.

So here I go. Out of one door, closing it behind me.

-Aggie-

A little post about a little brother

The first thing most people know about my relationship with my brother is that I tried to kill him when he was baby. Which is not true. I was three, I didnt know that grabbing a person my their neck to life them up was not exactly the greatest idea in the world. Im so glad nothing bad happened. That little boy has grown into a wonderful guy and my best friend. It is not unusual for you to hear about sisters being best friends but not usually brother/sister.

When we were younger I hated that I was always compared to Robbie, I couldnt make it through the day without hearing about how perfect Robbie was. It was the worst. But as more and more things happen in our family, he's really the only one who gets it. He understands how I feel, how sometimes I just want to drive, with no direction. And he doesn't ask questions. Because he already knows. My least favorite thing is when people say "I know what you're going through." Most of the time I want to scream

"NO YOU DONT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! And Im not going to talk to you so GO AWAY!!" I've never done that of course. But, still. When I cry, he knows. When I yell, he yells back because he knows. We share this unspoken understanding that we need each other. We can have honest conversation without the awkward "we dont talk about that" feeling.

If he thinks I'm going to do something stupid, he tells me.

He's the truest friend I've ever had.

Friends forever, Siblings for always <3

Love&Rockets

Aggie