Round 1 begins

“3 Rounds of 5 days worth of pills, taken once a day- ovulation should be achieved 5 days following the last pill in each round. If pregnancy is not achieved after the end of the 3rd round at or around 90 days from beginning of first round of Clomid , further testing will occur.”

These are the words printed in bold on my Drs letterhead stuffed neatly into my notebook. I had never been more confused or exhilarated in all my life. Basically, this is the beginning step toward fertility, a step frequently used when trying to conceive. CCRM, a leading institute in fertility science in the United States, states that the successful ovulation rate for Clomid is 80%, While the successful conception rate is a mere 40%. So all in all, although this is the right first step, it may not be a successful one. And that is SCARY. 

My appointment was at the beginning of July but as life would have it, things got busy, work was insane, my mental health was not in a space to endure the emotional toll this drug can have and we had to wait for a menstruatal cycle in order to begin anyway. So we put it off. The first day was to be August 12th and well, that didn’t happen *cue menstruatal cycle weirdness*. I wish I could explain this in a way you can understand but I can’t. (How annoying is that? I know. I’m sorry.) So here we are, the first week of September and I am on day 3 of the meds.  Let me spotlight some of the more fun side effects of trying to be a baby mama via fertility drugs for you:

• headaches
• nausea 
• vomiting 
• blurred/impaired vision 
• UNEXPLAINABLE EMOTIONAL ACTIVITY 
• depression 
• hot flashes
• chronic fatigue 
• mood swings 
• breast tenderness
• shortness of breath
• and regular pelvic pain

This is just a short list of SOME of the side effects listed (I must admit, I read them off in the same manner they do on TV commercials, where they rattle them off like the fine print of a contract which always ends with “contact your doctor today if you are having any of these symstoms.”)

And in 3 days I have a pretty good grasp on which of these side effects I am going to regularly experience

 *cue the regular mood swings and otherwise unexplainable emotional activity, with just a pinch of the worlds worst hot flashes mixed in for an extra spicy jolt of fun!*

Last night was the worst, it was the first time I felt so hot I couldn’t breathe and because I couldn’t breath from being so hot I started panicking and because I started panicking I was in tears crying for someone to help me. The night time is the worst because I am alone. My dear sweet perfect husband is at work third shift and I am in bed, tossing and turning and thinking about everything there is to think about while sweating and crying because what if this doesn’t work? What if I’ve tried and cried and endured all of this and nothing happens? 

Whoo-ee I. AM. A. MESS.

But then I sleep, for hours and hours and hours and I never feel rested or whole again.

We are halfway through cycle 1 of Clomid and I will have a follow up drs appointment in 15 days to measure the strides and re-evaluate the situation. In this appointment, Dr decides if another round of Clomid be necessary or if there is a next step of action required to achieve pregnancy...

So for today, I am going to sleep. And eat junk and hug my husband and feel all of the things I don’t want to feel. I am going to spend my introverted times in my quiet home recouping so that I can be a productive member at work and in life.. 

Until next time..

❤️