Three words. Just three simple words. And my world had fallen apart. Just as quickly as it came together, just as fast as the joy and hope filled my body while I took those 4 pregnancy test, it was gone. It was gone and there I was, alone again..
Misscarriage is such a taboo thing. It seems no matter how many statistics we read about 1 in 4 or the common thread that connects women-we still won’t talk about it. We’re still shamed into believing we’re alone and no one else in the world has ever felt this way. Somehow we still end up blaming ourselves. And no matter how supportive those around us are, we never quite feel understood.
That’s where I was.
This is where I am.
Feeling upset that these things are not happening no matter how hard we try, feeling angry at people who are just standing with their arms open waiting for me to be willing to let them lift me up while I crumble into pieces. And somehow I am still standing here, in crutches, with bruises, isolated and alone. Feeling betrayed and humiliated and alone and so so broken.
In all of this, one thing is certain, Jordan David has been my rock. The solid foundation for me. The one thing staying true and certain- breathing life and affirmations into me when he didn’t even know it. There are times that I haven’t wanted to be alive, haven’t crawled out of bed, feeling like the biggest failure of a wife, and there he was. Steady. Strong. Loyal. The truth of how fortunate I am to have this man is not lost on me.
However, I’m not sure I’ll ever feel any different, or better.
But this is my call. These are my wounds. And this is our journey, through the winding road of life.
So I stand here, determined to not feel shamed, to feel all of the very real, raw, terrible feelings that are inside of me and to be open about what we go through as we develop our action plan to bring love into this world as parents.
The first step, fertility drugs. 3 rounds. 15 days spanned over 90.
Life hurts. loss hurts.
But I am not alone. I am not alone. Read that again. YOU are not alone.
If no one else, I am here. I am crying, I am broken, I am wounded.
But I am here for a purpose. I will carry the story of our baby girl(s) in my heart for as long as I live.
I hope you will follow my journey. The journey of beginning our family. The journey of the highs and lows of surrendering my body to science in an effort to bring a baby into the world. The journey of being a wife, and the desire to by a mother.
I love you guys. And I am EXCITED to have a space to share my opinions and to document this journey to look back on.
❤️
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