Mother(hood) May I..?
Of all the things I thought I'd be: a teacher, a photographer, a business woman, a singer, an event planner, a world traveller, a mother was always at the top of my list. Now I know, some of you more seasoned people in my life are going to tell me that it is much too early on in my life to make claims with such finality and such negativity. "You've got so much more life to live. " "Maybe it just isn't your time. " "Everything happens for a reason, it will happen someday" Maybe those things are true but I just can't help the weighty feeling of emptiness in my heart and soul.
I watch people everyday living the life I wish I had, I like pictures and videos on facebook and I entertain jokes about why my husband and I haven't started our own family yet and each of those jokes pierces a deep hole right into the most hurtful and vulnerable places in my heart. Nothing aches more in me than my own desire to be a mother- to bear my own children and to be the one who brings them into this world. To be the one who suffers from morning sickness, blows up like a balloon hippo and tosses and turns all night long for months on end, and who eventually spend 20+ hours in the most painful and beautiful experience bringing life to the most precious thing on the planet.
Maybe it is a vanity thing. To want a child so much that you have forgotten who you are and questioned your worth. So much that you are literally self-conscious about your worth as a woman. I have never been more self conscious in all my life. Not when I was a chubby 3rd grader with a butch haircut, or a frizzy-haired middle schooled with braces, not when I flew off to a country with no one I knew. Not ever.
But now, I find myself struggling daily with my worth as a human, a woman, and mostly as a wife. Does my husband still love me-even though I know my deep desire for a child is reciprocated 10 fold in him? Would his family like me more if I could give them a grandchild or make them aunts/uncles?
I. AM. STRUGGLING. Who am I?
I have held my weeping husband through the loss of our first baby and I continue to hold him as many of our family and friends celebrate the joy of the births of their children. Don't be mistaken, we are happy for them. And we love our nieces and nephew but we are broken, scarred by loss of not only one but two babies. Struggling with the realization that the celebration that we are taking part of may very well never be in our future. And these hearts-our hearts-full of so much love may never get the opportunity to love a baby more than we love ourselves.
I watch people everyday living the life I wish I had, I like pictures and videos on facebook and I entertain jokes about why my husband and I haven't started our own family yet and each of those jokes pierces a deep hole right into the most hurtful and vulnerable places in my heart. Nothing aches more in me than my own desire to be a mother- to bear my own children and to be the one who brings them into this world. To be the one who suffers from morning sickness, blows up like a balloon hippo and tosses and turns all night long for months on end, and who eventually spend 20+ hours in the most painful and beautiful experience bringing life to the most precious thing on the planet.
Maybe it is a vanity thing. To want a child so much that you have forgotten who you are and questioned your worth. So much that you are literally self-conscious about your worth as a woman. I have never been more self conscious in all my life. Not when I was a chubby 3rd grader with a butch haircut, or a frizzy-haired middle schooled with braces, not when I flew off to a country with no one I knew. Not ever.
But now, I find myself struggling daily with my worth as a human, a woman, and mostly as a wife. Does my husband still love me-even though I know my deep desire for a child is reciprocated 10 fold in him? Would his family like me more if I could give them a grandchild or make them aunts/uncles?
I. AM. STRUGGLING. Who am I?
I have held my weeping husband through the loss of our first baby and I continue to hold him as many of our family and friends celebrate the joy of the births of their children. Don't be mistaken, we are happy for them. And we love our nieces and nephew but we are broken, scarred by loss of not only one but two babies. Struggling with the realization that the celebration that we are taking part of may very well never be in our future. And these hearts-our hearts-full of so much love may never get the opportunity to love a baby more than we love ourselves.
So this is where I am, where we are. And this is where the blog comes from. Name and all. Daily, I have to compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings to make everyone around me more comfortable and this is where I have decided to let it all out. In order to keep my life living in the light of positive energy.
Thanks for joining me.
No comments:
Post a Comment