I can do BAD all by MYSELF..

I dont need anyones help to be bad.

or mad

or angry

or sad

or depressed

or pitiful.

I've got that down on my own.

No assistance needed.

But here's the Catch 22,

I dont wanna be bad.

or mad

or angry

or sad

or depressed

or pitiful.

And especially not by myself.

     So if that means I have to break this Great Wall of China down that is around my heart, then I'll do it.

      Because I dont want to do bad anymore. I want good. I want to be good, and love the marginalized.

    I want a heart for others instead of this ugly, gross, decietful thing I have now.

So I need  Your help. God, I'm asking for Your help.

Today, Forever, Always.

(Searching for) Love&Rockets

Aggie







Christmas Funk.

It is Wednesday night.

2 days until Christmas break. I should be excited and completly pumped, right?!

Well, in the words of Mr. Grinch;

WRONG-OO!

I am in the weirdest, most emotional, most angry, most tired mood.

EVER!

Idont know why, but I pretty much hate the world.

There is no one, except God of course, that I can talk to without getting angry.

And sometimes thats not even true.

I dont understand why I feel this way.

Cant other people share this pain, and anger?

Of Course Not.

That would be much too fair.

"Aggie, You are such a strong, put together, beautiful, couragous young lady.."

Yeah, thats what I hear.

Punch me in the gut.

Excuse me but I dont WANT to be strong.

I dont WANT to be put together.

I dont WANT to be couragous.

I WANT TO BE ANGRY!!

AND I WANT TO BE MEAN

AND I WANT TO BE RUDE

AND I WANT TO COMPLAIN

But I cant, because Im too busy listening to other peoples problems.

or complaints.

or grades.

or good lives.

or terrible lives.

For once, just once, I want to be the one running to someone with my head down, blubbering and punching things and yelling and complaining.

And people say, Im selfish?

I just dont understand.

My prayer:

"Help me Lord, to get out of this funk, to make myself feel greatly appreciated, to take away these mixed emotions and just give me LOVE and a heart of sacrifice for you.."

Love&Rockets

Aggie.

P.S. I LOATHE Christmas.

HateHateHate!!

Beautiful Choas Journey. Step #2..

I cannot do this. And I certainly cannot do this without trusting in my Wonderful Loving Awesome God.

I feel like the Little Engine that Could, but going in reverse.

I am so dissappointed, in myself, in my grades, in my realtionships, in my friends, in my speech, in my actions.

All together dissappointed.

And this is NOT a good feeling. Not at all.

So how do I change this, how do I become proud in myself again, how do I make my parents proud again, how do I show others the love of my Heavenly Father?

I TRUST.

Not only trust, but RELY on God.

He must be my comfort, my peace, my friend, my Provider.

He must be my all.

Not my "when things are going wrong" but my ALL.

All the time.

He can't be my second choice, I have to desire Him as much as he desires me.

Which is impossible but a good goal to have.

His love, the love I want to show people, is so awesome and beautiful.

It is unreal. I cant imagine the things I could do to try and get others to experience this love.

But Ive got to try.

Ive got to reorder my life to reflect my Beautiful Lord.

And to do this I must let go of my troubles and my past.

My problems, I must identify my wrongs and right them.

And this is the next step in a life of beautiful choas.

Setting the goal, and trying with every ounce to reach that goal.

That is all I can do.

The rest...

is God.

SO I will praise Him, good, bad, or ugly.

Hold me to that!

Gods Love&Rockets

Aggie