Everything I am. Or am not.

This week, my self esteem has been battered and bruised. Im not sure how much more of this I can go through. We just finished a time of being thankful right (not entirely, but you catch my drift.)? So today I am going to let you in on my desires. Things I would change. Some would call it "baggage." I would call it "motivation." This insecurities help me to keep moving forward. If I thought I was perfect, Id need no change. No reason to try different things. Or pursue dreams.
So if I could change things about me I would:

• Be taller
• Be thinner
• Be a better listener
• Be organized
• Be a better, more diligant student
• Have my parents approval
• Not let people down
• Do things right the first time
• Not try so hard to mke people like me
• Have joy. Never ending joy.
• Not cry.
• Be slower to anger.
• Tell people how I feel
• Pray harder, longer, more often
• have clear goals
• not get so wrapped up in myself that I sacrifice peoples feelings
• be (more) sensitive to the Spirit
• make my parents proud
• not get distracted
• help out more
• make a relatioship last (and no not a romantic one. just any.)
• touch peoples lives.
• Have a more trained voice
• have talents.
• was a better, more skilled writer.
• not let people down 

There are more things, of that I am sure. But these are the things I deal with, and think about everyday. The things that both push me forward and break me down. That keep me going and make me want to give up. But who am I to expect different things? Why cant I be happy with the life God has given me? I am, I really am. But sometimes I feel as though I screwed it up. And there's no way to get it right again. 

-Aggie-

The start of something (S) new.

This is an "I'm sorry-my life has gotten really crazy-been too busy to blog" post.

Let me start by saying, Im sorry for not finishing what I started in regards to publishing my camp journals. I sort of fail as a devote blogger. But I am back on track! :) And I intend to start using this as a tool, for you to start to see my passions and where my heart is and for me to work through my thoughts,show you what God is doing and maybe use this blog as a eagle eye into what I see as my mission, how I see my life. And hopefully you can join me (in more ways than one) on my journey to becoming a woman after Gods own heart.

---Now that we've got that out of the way--

I almost feel as though I should re-introduce you to myself. So, an update..
I am a senior in highschool, (26 weeks till graduation!!!) so now is really the time that most people my age are deciding what they want to do with themselves. I have had that figured out since I was 12. Well, actually my only real goal was to get out of Michigan. I have applied to several schools, although I have my heart set on Liberty University. I believe this would be the best option for me because I want to study Social Work/Human Services, but I believe that my Worldview would be compromised of I attend a large public secular unversity.  At Liberty, I will be getting Bible based knowledge and be in a community of Christians who can encourage me. And I LOVE big schools. Perfect set-up. (:
But those are not the only plans I have.
I have always used the phrase "America is my mission field!" as sort of a cop-out, I think. I mean, sure, yes, America is my mission and lots of other people's too but if everyone used that as an excuse not to go anywhere, we would have no world missions. Americans would be the only ones with the saving knowledge of Christ. We would be failing miserably as Christians. And I believe that's what I have been doing, failing. Why? Because, I've only been exsisting, only worried about myself and my comfort.
Recently, our church had a missions conference, which I decided I was too tired to attend the first day. There was a family, the Tabors, who are missionaries to Costa Rica (a country with a strikingly large amount of teenage mothers. and a country close to my heart lately)  With the organization that the Tabors are through is a program for highschool graduates called GAP. A nine-month learinig program to Costa Rica. My mom, knowing that I have developed a interest in this country brought the pamphlet home. My words, "No, way mom. I cannot miss my first year of college. I am NOT living in a foreign country. Not happenin'. Maybe over spring break. or Christmas break." Mom's response- "So you want a vacation? You dont actually want to help."
Ouch.
That struck some prayer. Immense prayer actually.
The next morning, which happened to be a Sunday. I went to the Tabor's table after service. I wasnt really sure why at the moment, but I did. I let him and his wife share with me what they knew of the program.
More praying.
And a week later, I decided that this is something God wants me to do.
Take a year (my first adult year of life), mature, learn about Him, grow fully devoted to Him, away from my comfort, every single comfort of home. Let the people in the program and of the country pour into me and then I into them.
And that is where Im at now.
Correction, that is where God has brought me to now.
I gave it all up. And I couldnt be more happy.

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back." Phillipians 3:12-14

Love&Rockets,
Aggie