Daddy's Girl.

Today, I spent observing as my mom went through my dad's things in her room. We all knew this day would come, after my dad's passing a little over 2 months ago. But I never imagined I would be this disengaged. I had imagined a huge ordeal; the whole family sitting down, talking over memories and what each thing meant to us, lots of tears and kleenex, and fights over who would keep what. I guess that's the drama queen in me because it was nothing like that. Because of the treacherous weather, my mom and I have been snowed in the house together, my brother stuck in town at my aunt's house, mom had decided that she needed to deep clean her room, rearrange and the whole bit. Which presented the perfect opportunity for going through my dad's things. Most of which, it makes no sense to keep (clothes. shoes, etc.)  And I just sat downstairs, knowing it was happening but not knowing if I could deal with that just yet, not that I have any doubt in my mind that he is gone, but this final step just validates that finally. We can no longer pretend he is on a long work trip or vacation only to arrive back once again, we can never expect him  back at the dinner table or at birthday parties. I have worked up a lot of emotions in my head this evening about how I feel about getting rid of my dad from this house; anger, depression, hurt, sadness. It even ran across my mind once or twice to yell up at my mom exactly how I felt about her at this very moment. How horrible I thought she was. But I just sat down there, with Toddlers&Tiaras bellowing in the background, imagining a scene much like this one, where I was watching some mindless TV show, mom was cleaning away, Rob was gone and Dad was outside, only to come back in, sit down and snuggle up next to me and ever-so-smoothly grab the remote changing the channel to football making at sarcastic remark about how I watch too much garbage and telling me to order a pizza. Boy, do I miss him. Everyday. Sometimes, I even catch myself going downstairs to tell him a story or sitting in his "spot" on the couch, waiting for him to kick me out of it, or bossing Rob around and waiting for him to yell at Rob to stick up for himself. Oh, what I wouldn't give for one more hug and forehead kiss, for hearing him yell "Ag" down the stairs one more time. I miss my dad. His T-shirts and shorts, his ridiculous water shoes that he wore just about everywhere but the water, his ball caps, his sunglasses and his mustache. I think today I was more afraid that with the things that I used to see everyday that I maybe took for granted, his shaving kit, his duffle bag, his favorite Tshirt, so also would go my memories of him. That this would begin the long journey to forgetting, which is a journey I don't ever want to take.   I don't want to forget his smile. I don't want to forget his laughter, I don't want to forget the man who taught me the most profound of life lessons without ever saying a word, I don't want to forget my biggest fan, I don't want to forget my dad. And I won't, from now to forever, every milestone, every kodak moment, every moment of every day I will remember and I will miss my Daddy.

                                                                               

 -Aggie

Inordinate Amount of Words

Wow. I'm really bad at this. Let's see. I've experienced more here than I could ever tell you. This week we are preparing to leave for Nicaragua. We will be there from Monday to Saturday. I figured It was time to update you.

I left the program for 3 weeks in February because of my dad. They found another tumor in his brain so he had emergency surgery and I went home to help out and support my family. That was a hard time for me, I didn't know if I would come back to finish the program or not. But thats only part of the journey, Let me back up.

In October (october 29th to be exact) I was having a major battle with the Lord. I wouldn't let Him in. I wouldn't love Him. Part of me wanted to but part of me was so angry, so scared, that I couldn't do it. That whole week I battled. My friend/Mentor/Bible Teacher's wife Rebekah listened, cried and fought with me. Poor Bekah, she listened to a lot of confessions that week. Finally, Friday we had our "Fall Festival" and as soon as I could, I left without being noticed. I went to my room by myself and cried and laughed and sang and screamed. Thank Goodness my roommates were not there. But that night Jesus took my life and made it His. And the next week I was baptized in the Villa Pool. 

Fast Forward.......

When we came back from break we spent 2 weeks working at camps. I, along with my church group, went to Camp Brittany, a camp founded by a couple from South Carolina. I spent the whole week before camp with the worst attitude ever. i had my mind set on hating it. But when i got there, everything changed. Nothing that mattered before mattered anymore. My Spanish increased ten-fold. Everything just came together. That was honestly the most God centered time here. I've never felt so much joy in serving. Or in Life. I could talk to for 4,000 years about my experiences at camp. 

I am teaching ESL (English as a Second Language) on Sundays, which is great. All of our beginners are coming to church Sunday nights. This ministry is hard, but rewarding. I love every minute of it, watching people begin to communicate with me and having real conversations. Last Saturday, while i was walking with a couple girls to the bus stop, one of our neighbors ran across the street to meet us. When she approached us she was speaking english...shocking!.."Hello! How much do i have to pay you to speak to me and my daughter in english?" All I really wanted to do was hug this lady and tell her how much we and Jesus loved her. But instead, catching my breath I said "Nothing!!" I was elated. We were able to share with her our purpose and tell her about English church and English conversation class. And this Saturday Bekah and I will go talk with her and her daughter. I cannot wait.

Our English church is growing immensely! The "Gringos" (white people) are no longer the majority! Que Bueno! 

Even though I am improving and experiencing great things, I am still struggling. Many days, I just want to come home. I hear enemy lies and believe them, most times. Deep friendship bonds are something i struggle with. And I have everything set up for next year which makes me have a hard time being content where I am at. In the fall, I will be going to Aurora University, Which is super exciting. i will be studying to become a special education teacher. 

A few weeks ago, the weekend of my birthday in fact, I called my mom and told her how hard of a time I was having. She told me she would be praying that I was encouraged in a special way. The next day, I got ready to go to my spanish church, feeling super discouraged. When I arrived my friend told me that there was someone I had to meet. I went to say hello and be polite, even though I wasn't really feeling the whole "spanish speaking" thing. She was a Gringo, which made my life easier because I didn't have to fumble for words to try and communicate. She told me that she was from Aurora and her husband graduated from AU. My jaw literally dropped to the floor. She went on to tell me she was a singer. "Are you kidding?! Me too!" She wanted to help me with my voice. That's not all, she volunteered to get me plugged in with a church and she wanted to show me around and make me dinner. AND she speaks Spanish so she volunteered to speak only Spanish with me in the States. 

Wow God, Wow. I couldn't believe it. What are the chances that I would meet someone from a little town in the States in COSTA RICA?! It still pumps me up today. God is so ridiculous. 

If you like to pray:

Our trip to Nicaragua. The local's hearts and our attitudes. Safety through the borders both ways. 

Classes. As the year goes on, sitting in Spanish is getting harder and harder. 

Lies. The enemy is attacking our group with lies, especially feelings of separation.

Unity for our group.

My Family. Being here far away from my family as my dad starts chemo is really hard. Pray that I would feel confident and peaceful about being so far away. 

-Aggie

Costa Rica Experience.

Today is the first day I spent waking up and getting ready in my new home. The first sunrise I saw in San Jose Costa Rica. It is a beautiful thing. To see students up enjoying God's creation and reading His Word.
There is just something about this place. You don't have to try very hard to make this place home. It just, is.
I guess God has a way of working things out like that.
Yesterday was a...unique experience. We got to the airport at about 6:45, checked our bags, went through security and the whole bit. We boarded at about 9 and our plane took off at 9:45. A flight that was only supposed to take 4 hours ended up taking about 4 and a half. With terrible turbulence. But God is faithful. We landed at about 12:05, and arrived at the Villa at 1.
What a long day. The rest of the day was spent unpacking and bonding. I had my first taste of WalMart in other countries.
and my first taste of other countries, period.
So much is different here than back home. And I havent seen any crawly creatures yet, Praise JESUS!
Although, I am our incumbant spider killer. Don't know how that one happened.
The transition I was worried about , living with peolpe, new friends and everything, so far that has not been a problem. And I look forward to it not being. We have a group that walks to the University in the morning to use the facilities they have so graciously allowed us access to. I was not in that group this morning.
And some of you won't believe this but I am eating fruit! For those that don't know, fruit and I have a hate/hate relationship. I hate eating it. I have serious texture issues. But before I left, I gave those issues to God. I told Him that I woould not make this year miserable by not experiencing the food they have here. nd boy oh boy am I ever glad I did that.
This morning, on my PB&J I used Guava Jelly and I had some fresh mango, . I don't even know what a Guava is. But it was delicious. Last night, we had fresh fruit, yum yum, minus the bananas, I still haven't risen to the banana thing yet.
I feel like God is using this.. Pray that I continue on a path of obedience to Him.
Today lots of things happen, we are evaluted for our spots in ministry and many many other things.
How exciting this is!
Also, as I was reading my Bible this morning I began to think of ways to grow closer to God. One of them was memorizing the Word. This semester I am giong to memorize Romans 6. I just cannot get Romans 6 out of my head. Everything I think and Do and write comes back to Romans 6. How awesome.
This is going to be a great year.
Continue in prayer for me. For my roommates for my GAP family and for my real family.
Things will probably get hard but I am ready and willing for that. The more prayer, the more success.
For it is not my will but His.
I will upload pictures as soon as I can!
Love,
Aggie

Georgia.

Well, I've made it. I arrived in Atlanta Georgia Saturday Afternoon. On the plane, I was afraid. Afraid I was in way over my head. Afraid I was too small for this. Afraid I wouldn't fit here. Afraid I was alone.
Then I was picked up from the airport, from our Director Jeff Hackett. Still fearing was ebbing, Did I not have a host family? was I here too early?
A 20 minute drive from  the Airport to Jeff's Hotel. My host mom met us there.
When I met her, I knew. I felt like a daughter. I was supposed to be here.
She has a daughter. Well, actually she has 2. They are both grown and one is married. Thats the one that Ive had contact with. The other is away at school.
Daughter number one, Alex, was in the GAP Program 3 years ago. So she's been more than happy to fill me in. Her husband was someone she met because of mutual friends in the GAP program. And now they are happily married.
This family is a living testimony of God's faithful hand.
In March, their home church, and Alex's wedding venue, burned to the ground in an electrical fire.
"When God closes one door, He opens another."
The local Presbytarian Church has allowed their church to meet in its gym ever since. Now, the Pres. Church is closing and they have offered the building for sale to their River Church.
Alex's wedding, the Chateu Elan. Yes, where Usher was married. The premire wedding venue. They affered their facitlies paid in FULL. With all the amenities. Full spread, Venue, Catering, Decorating, Guest Rooms, and the Honeymoon suite.
You tell me, How great is our God??
My time in Georgia has been amazing. I feel like part of their family.
God is proving Himself. Not, that He needs to prove Himself but He is revealing Himself.
I guess that's better wording.
Today is my first day of orientation. My first day with 34 new people.
I feel like I've been in this perpetual state of meeting people. I just want to know everyone and be done with it.
But I have a day full of meeting people and team building!
One more night and I'll be in the wonderful country of Costa Rica.
Georgia is great, People are great, God is great.
                                                                   Love,
                                                                   Aggie

A hurricane and a Picture

The only way I find fitting to describe this summer is a hurricane. A storm so violent that you can do nothing but watch it happen, and hide from its aftermath.
So many times I wanted to run away and hide from this summer. From the change, from the uncertainty, from the hurt, from the challenge.
I feel like alot of things happened but I can hardly remember any of them because they happened so fast.
But the end of this summer brings about a rainbow, September 8th at 1:30pm, I will no longer be living where I have been for the past 28 years. I will be on my way to Atlanta Georgia where I will stay for 3 days as part of a trainging program for the GAP Year.
After those 3 days, I will board a plane to my final destination, San Jose Costa Rica.
Can you believe it?!
Me, the girl who is so afraid of change she's bought the same ceral since she was 5 years old and cant get rid of old things for fear of the new. Yes, me. I will be living and learning, along with 23 other people in a brand new culture.
And I'm not even afraid.
Sometimes I have momentary freakouts, but I keep being rerouted to verses in the bible, or songs, or people. All of these things reassuring me that this is where God has placed me and He will make this whole thing work. The time I spend away from here is a learning experience for me. Learning how to fully, completly, entirely rely on God. Something I get out of the habit of doing here in Cozytown MI. -I'm mostly excited. I'm excited because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, at all. And I haven't really been leaning on the Lord to help me make that decision so I know that if I went away to college this year I would be completly wrong. And because if I don't get out of my comfort zone now, I never will.
This experience is something I never in a million years would have expected to do, but here I am, 15 days from take-off.
And I think of the combination of things that has happened to our family, my friends, myself over this summer and sometimes I think, "why God? Why would you work this out like this. you know I'm leaving and I'm leaving for you, so why are you hurting them so?!"
And then I remember that God doesnt take orders from me. It doesnt matter wether I understand the purpose. What matters is that I trust Him. That I love Him. That I live a life that reflects that, even when its not easy.
And then everything is okay again.
Sometimes, I wish the picture were clearer. But then I see the shades and I am reminded that there is a picture there, no matter how hard it is for me to see and that if I just wait, wait a little longer, the picture will get clearer and clearer. And it might not make sense but the picture is already drawn. I just have to color with the crayons He gives me.

-Aggie.

You is kind. You is smart.You is important.

Do you ever find that hard to believe? You are worth it. Sometimes, I find myself forgetting. Thinking "Im just an ordinary part of an ordinary life." Recently I'd forgotten. Feeling less and less important. More and more insignificant, and not because of anything inprticular, more like a thousand little things, wrapped up and combined with the messiness of life. Yes, messiness. Because thats the only word that describes it.

So then I got to thinking and to praying.

What does God think about me?

How does he feel when His "masterpiece" devalues herself? Does His heart break for those who do not love themselves? I think it does.

I keep thinking about myself and thethings Im doing. Honestly, thats why its taken me so long to write.

I just cant come up with anything worth saying. I have a hard time believing that my words matter.

Do they? Does what we say make a difference?

I believe it can. If you are talented. I youre eloquent. If you're charasmatic.

Im not so sure about me yet.

Love&Rockets

Aggie

In the beginning GOD...

This is my post-VBS post.

Sometimes its easy not to need God in everyday life. Of course we always need God but to really need him, to not be able to make it through the day without prayer, Bible reading, complete rendering to God. That is rare. That kind of yearning. And sometimes all the time, it is healthy to step back, step out and watch. Admire the work God is doing that you are too self centered to even realize. 

This is that step for me.

 Normally, Vacation Bible School is held at a church. But where's the fun in that?
We took VBS into the community. We developed relationships outside of our comfort zones. We explored the possibility that there is more to Christian living than being boarded up in our big church with our big steeple and fancy worship services.

SURPRISE! Everything was okay. We survived. In fact, we Christ thrived.

On the first day, our numbers were a staggering 60 kids, most of which were not from our church. 

Tuesday, 85. Still growing.

Wednesday, 83. 

Thursday...are you ready for this? 101

Friday, I actually don't know. But it was a lot.

God worked. 

For the first time I was a team leader, by myself. We were the "Yellow Fellas." (which is funny because we only had 2 boys in our group.) 

Everyday we had a team huddle to discuss what we had learned, what Uncle Al had taught. 

I had one girl specifically who listened so intently to the story, it was amazing. Amazing to see her attitude, her conversation, all change. She was learning, she was getting it! This relationship I held so dear to me with the Almighty God, she SAW it. She wanted it. She UNDERSTOOD it. 

To hear her talk for 20 minutes about the things that she was learning, I could do it for the  rest of my life. 

The other kids in my group were great too. Some were leary to love at first but once we continued to pour and pour into them, they opened up their hearts, and minds. It was a great week. Because I was a leader by myself with 10 young children, a parent stayed to help me. A parent from the community. Not from the church. She was learning too. She was a young mom (only 2 years older than me), we were able to have conversations before bible school started and during it.

 She kept asking, "so why did you decide to do this? why are you going to do this your whole life?"

I just looked at her and told her to look at the kids, 

"Because of them. They are learning. They will know that there is someone out there that loves them. More than you or I ever could. And if I don't do it, who will?" 

She came back Sunday night. 

Maybe I'll see her again. But if I never do I'll know that she knows. She knows about the God who saved me. Who can save her. 

And that's enough for me. 

Also, the double digit countdown for GAP has begun...75 days. 

Honestly.....I don't know what I'm doing. I just know that this is what I want to do.

I have tons of money to raise. 

And I'm hoping this really is what God wants me to do. If it is, he'll help me work it out, right?

Someone tell me I'm right. 

I haven't been praying a lot about it lately. 

I'm terrified. 

Because, what if it changes my life?

 My week in Pictures.

-Aggie-