"We just don't talk about that." - Victorian Era motto

Over and over again I keep hearing people talk about keeping their personal lives, personal. I heard a song:

"Let it out
Everything you've worked so hard to hide
Let it out
Let it out
Leave it at the cross where Jesus died
Take off your mask
Find peace at last
Cause He loves you more than you could ever know
Let it out"

 Recently, in my British Literature class at school we have been studying the Victorian Era, where this whole idea of privacy and "we just don't talk about it." happened to have originated from.
When I thought about it, I realized that is the way I live my life. Happy on the outside, broken on the inside.
Why?
I cant answer that, not because "I can't talk about it" but because honestly, I can't think of a good reason.
So, I'll tell you what I know.
             I know that I have a serious issue with being vulnerable. And anyone who has had contact with me in the last 12 weeks and has uttered the words "How are you doing?" knows that I will not put myself in that position. I will not will not will not ever ever ever answer that question honestly. I have a script, and depending on who you are you get different variations of the same thing "I've been alright, keeping busy." "I'm okay." "I've been fine. Things are hard, but Im okay." "I'm doin what I can, making it through." or the outlandish "I'm good." <--if I've ever said the last one to you, we obviously don't know each other. Or Im trying really hard to impress you. 
I know that I that I want people to think I've got it all together. Maybe that's the perfectionist in me?
I know that I feel like once you share information with people, you force them to feel bad for you, you force them to care, whether or not they wanted to at the beginning of your conversation.
I know that if you don't talk about it, it doesn't exsist. Or so I thought. Oh how I wish that was true. I wish that if you refused to talk about your troubles they just went away.
I know that I don't want people to know what's going on because if they don't know then they don't have the power to hurt me.
But most of all, I know that I can't deal with the harsh reality of this situation. The medications, the treatments, the loss of time, the precious moments. Any of it. I dont know how to handle it. I dont want to handle it.
Included in the Victorian Era was the new idea of childhood. Children never got to experience the world or enjoy life. They went from infants to adults. There was hardly any childhood for anyone. I feel as though this is how my life has been, I haven't really gotten to be a teenager, I went for child to adult in no time. Sometimes I look back at that and wish that I would have gotten that period to figure out who I really am. And other times I am grateful that I had to grow up and have resonsibilities. All of these hard times are teachign me balance. They have helped me get a clear, attainable focus. I didnt have a future laid out for me, and I didn't have the luxury of having parents who allowed irresponsibility to slide. I had to learn quickly that nothing comes without work, something I feel that many people my age have not realized yet.
I believe that I would have fit in perfectly as a person in the Victorian Era because even 150 years later I still implement all their ideas. Whether or not I mean to.

                                     Love&Rockets

                                    Aggie